Almost 2 weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since my mom died, and my feelings about the whole situation have changed. When it first happened, we were all struck with a grief that we had never felt before. I felt like I was living someone else's life because something like that could never have happened to me, and to my family. But now, I'm just really missing her. So many things have happened over the past 2 weeks that I want to tell her about. People say "Just talk to her...she'll hear you." I'm not satisfied with that. I need to really feel that she hears me and knows what is going on. For example...my 4 year old son has been having some serious behavior problems lately. I'm sure it's a reaction to everything that's going on, but I just can't handle it right now. Yesterday, I desperately wanted to talk to my mom to tell her about an incident that occurred while we were visiting with some friends. I wanted to ask her what I should do about his behavior. He's defiant and angry most of the time. Come to think of it...so am I.

I want to tell my mom about all of the cards that I've received in the mail lately. Beautiful cards with lovely sentiments from friends and family. I also want to tell her about the park bench that my friends are buying for me. I'm putting it in the backyard as a tribute to her. She loved to be outside and loved to garden. I can see myself sitting in the yard, reading a book. She would have loved that.

Easter

Easter Sunday in my family has always been a day for family. In my (almost) 35 years, I have spent the day with my mom, so this Easter was particularly hard for me. We were invited to my in-laws for dinner, but I just wasn't in the mood to socialize. I told my husband that it was okay for him to go without me, so I had a few hours to myself. I watched a movie and did some laundry. Not the best way to spend Easter, but that was all I could handle.

It's been a week now since my mom died, but it seems like much longer than that. The past week has gone by really slowly for some reason. Before she passed, I had a strong belief in heaven and that my mother would be well taken care of after she died. Now that it's happened, I'm questioning my beliefs and I just need to know that she's okay. If I hear one more person say "she's in a better place" I will scream! I keep praying for a sign that she's okay, but it doesn't come. Both of my sisters have felt my mom's presence over the past week, but not me. I just need to know that she's okay and that she's around. I desperately want to talk to her and find out if heaven is everything she thought it would be. I just need to know that she's okay.

Back in the swing of things

Yesterday was my mother's funeral. We had a church service and then went to the chapel at the cemetery. I was pleased to see so many people at the service. The church was just about full. I was also pleased to see how many flowers we received. My mom would have REALLY enjoyed all of the flowers. Gardening was one of her greatest joys in life. I handled the funeral better than I thought I would. I cried quite a bit, but I didn't completely break down like I thought I would. I think I'm getting tired of crying all the time. Either that, or I've run out of tears. I think I hugged about 50 people yesterday. And for those of you that know me, you know that I'm not a hugger. I was surprised to see some of the people that came to the service, like a co-worker of my mom's from many years ago. There were also some people that I thought would be there, but weren't.

And now it's the day after the funeral, and I've been forced to get back into the swing of things. My husband went to work, and I had to take my son to preschool. I went shopping for a few things, then assisted with the Easter party at my son's school. My life will continue because I have obligations and responsibilities. There are people that depend on me and I can't let them down.

Breathing

Here it is, 5:45 AM, and I can't sleep. I'm not sure if it's my cough that's keeping me awake, or all the thoughts that are going through my head. Maybe if I jot down some of those thoughts, I can get back to sleep!

So here goes....

1. Cancer sucks.


2. I miss my mom already. After meeting with the minister at the church yesterday to plan te funeral service, we all went to dinner. It was weird sitting at a table with everyone (all 15 of us) without my mom being there.


3. I went to my mom's house for the first time yesterday since she passed. I walked in the back door and felt my knees weaken because the house smelled like her. I pinched my nose to force myself to breathe out of my mouth. It was almost too much to bear.


4. I read something in a book about grieving that struck a chord. Have you ever noticed that no matter how old you get, you still feel the same? I know that I still feel like the same person now as when I was 16. In my heart, I'm still the same person. Do you know why that happens? Because the soul is eternal and never ages and never dies. Thinking about that makes me smile because I know that my mother didn't really die. Her spirit lives on and I pray that I will be with her again someday.


5. The support that I have received from my friends has been incredible. I've recieved phone calls, emails, and cards from so many people. All I can say is thank you for being there for me. Your friendships mean the world to me and I love all of you very much.

And finally, I thought I'd share a picture with you. It was taken shortly after my mom was diagnosed. I like this picture so much because it includes 3 of the most important people in my life...my mom, my son, and my sister.

Sad

I knew that this day would come, but I had no idea how badly it would hurt. My mom passed away very early this morning, around 1AM. Family and friends had been with her almost the entire day, but she died shortly after my step-dad left. I have to wonder if she did that on purpose, to spare us the pain of seeing her die. I wish that I had been there though. The hospice staff called us and said that they believed she was "actively dying." About 13 of us raced to get there, but we were all too late. I sat with her for a long time after she was gone. I felt an odd calmness in the room that I hadn't felt before last night. When I looked at her face, I didn't recognize her. She wasn't my mom anymore.

I pray that God will give us the strength to get through this time. It's more difficult than I ever dreamed possible.

Update

I spent a few hours with my mom at hospice last night. It's just so sad to see my mom lying there in the bed, waiting to die. It's more than just sad...it's agonizing. She hasn't eaten in 3 days, and has only had a few sips of water. They've been giving her anxiety medication because she's been so restless. We just want her to be comfortable and out of pain. Family members and friends have been coming and going all week. My grandmother has been there every day, from early morning until dinner time. She seems to be the only one that is able to calm and comfort my mother. I'm sure it's extremely difficult to see your child in this position. I can't even imagine.

The people at hospice have been very helpful and are doing a wonderful job of taking care of my mother. The volunteers occasionally stop us in the hall to see how we're doing, and to offer their help. Right now, I don't think there's anything they can say to me that will make me feel any better. I hope that will change and I'll be open to listening to what they have to say. I'm just not ready yet.

Sick

One of these days, I'll get over this cold. I go to bed at night and say a prayer that I'll wake up the next morning and I'll feel better, but it doesn't happen. My son is finally feeling better after having a stomach virus for about a week. He's at preschool this morning which is a good thing for him. I've been trying to keep his life as "normal" as possible during all of this. I'm not always successful with that though. A few nights ago, he had a bad dream and climbed into bed with us. Initially, he didn't want to talk about the dream, but he later told me about it. I'll spare you the details, but it was about my mom at hospice. He's just too young to really comprehend what is going on, but he knows that she is dying and that soon she'll be in heaven. He says he's okay with that. He knows that she's going to a wonderful place and that someday, we'll all be there together. He doesn't question that, he just believes it to be true because that's what I've told him. To be a child and have such blind faith! I wish that my faith was that strong and that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that heaven was real. I just want someone to tell me with 100% certainty that my mother will be okay after she dies.

And to end on a high note (for Ken) I'll tell you that I'm happy to see spring arrive, and to see everything turning green again. The grass in my backyard is a brilliant green and it looks beautiful. My son will be playing in his first soccer game on Saturday which should be interesting indeed! That reminds me... I need to buy him some shin guards.

As always...thanks for reading.
Mimi