Update

I spent a few hours with my mom at hospice last night. It's just so sad to see my mom lying there in the bed, waiting to die. It's more than just sad...it's agonizing. She hasn't eaten in 3 days, and has only had a few sips of water. They've been giving her anxiety medication because she's been so restless. We just want her to be comfortable and out of pain. Family members and friends have been coming and going all week. My grandmother has been there every day, from early morning until dinner time. She seems to be the only one that is able to calm and comfort my mother. I'm sure it's extremely difficult to see your child in this position. I can't even imagine.

The people at hospice have been very helpful and are doing a wonderful job of taking care of my mother. The volunteers occasionally stop us in the hall to see how we're doing, and to offer their help. Right now, I don't think there's anything they can say to me that will make me feel any better. I hope that will change and I'll be open to listening to what they have to say. I'm just not ready yet.

Sick

One of these days, I'll get over this cold. I go to bed at night and say a prayer that I'll wake up the next morning and I'll feel better, but it doesn't happen. My son is finally feeling better after having a stomach virus for about a week. He's at preschool this morning which is a good thing for him. I've been trying to keep his life as "normal" as possible during all of this. I'm not always successful with that though. A few nights ago, he had a bad dream and climbed into bed with us. Initially, he didn't want to talk about the dream, but he later told me about it. I'll spare you the details, but it was about my mom at hospice. He's just too young to really comprehend what is going on, but he knows that she is dying and that soon she'll be in heaven. He says he's okay with that. He knows that she's going to a wonderful place and that someday, we'll all be there together. He doesn't question that, he just believes it to be true because that's what I've told him. To be a child and have such blind faith! I wish that my faith was that strong and that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that heaven was real. I just want someone to tell me with 100% certainty that my mother will be okay after she dies.

And to end on a high note (for Ken) I'll tell you that I'm happy to see spring arrive, and to see everything turning green again. The grass in my backyard is a brilliant green and it looks beautiful. My son will be playing in his first soccer game on Saturday which should be interesting indeed! That reminds me... I need to buy him some shin guards.

As always...thanks for reading.
Mimi

When it rains, it pours

I didn't sleep very well last night. I can't imagine why that happened! Aside from the obvious, I have a bad head cold so I was coughing all night. I've been told that stress weakens the immune system, which could be why I keep getting sick. My son has been sick with a stomach bug the past 5 days. He says he feels better today. Thank goodness. I was getting tired of cleaning up vomit.

Okay...so now for the "pouring rain" part. My sister called this morning, crying, to tell me that she had spoken with my step-dad. I braced myself for the worst. She went on to say that my mom's dog had passed away in her sleep. My step-dad had found her this morning. Must have died in her sleep. She had a heart condition and we knew that she wasn't well. She was taking steroids and heart medication. It's just sad. We've decided not to tell my mother. It will be a nice surprise for her when she gets to heaven and Nicky is waiting for her.

It's odd how grief comes in waves. I can go several hours without crying, and then suddenly...whoosh. There it is. That's when the sobbing starts. My little sister spoke with a social worker at hospice last night and she told her that it's okay to cry whenever she feels like it. Keeping it in is not a good idea. I just don't like people seeing me cry. But lately, I've been crying a lot. I think I'm crying more often than not. At this rate, my eyes are going to be swollen shut before the week is over! I've given up on makeup. It's too much work and it doesn't stay on anyway.

Ken says I should end each post on a "high note." Funny guy. So...here's a joke that was told to me by a new friend that I made in my support group.

Why are pirates so fantastic? Because they just AAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHH!!!!! (Get it?)

Background

After much thought, I've decided to start this blog in order to "update" everyone about what's going on in my life. Right now, that's quite a lot! As many of you know, my mother has been battling metastatic melanoma for the past 9 months. To say that the past 9 months have been rough, would be an understatement. It's been torturous at times. The whole cancer experience has been such a roller coaster ride for all of us. Good news, bad news, good days, bad days. But recently, it's all been bad news and bad days. Last Friday, at the request of my mother, a hospice nurse came to her home to talk with her and my step-dad about the kinds of services they offer. We didn't think we'd be needing their services so soon, but it turns out that we were wrong. After spending time with my mom, listening to her talk, checking her vitals, etc, she recommended that my mother go to the hospice facility to "get her morphine regulated." We thought it would be temporary and that she'd be home in a few days. We were wrong. Very wrong. Since she was admitted on Friday, she has been declining. The doctor wants her to stay where she is because they can take care of her better than we could at home. I'm inclined to agree with them.

So how do I feel about the whole situation?!?!? It SUCKS. Plain and simple, it sucks. Seeing her get worse and worse each day really sucks. Seeing all of my loved ones surrounding her bed crying, sucks. Thinking about living the rest of my life without her, sucks. The fact that my son will grow up not knowing her, sucks. Did I mention that cancer sucks?

Some friends were recently talking about the things that they're looking forward to in the coming months. The talked about the weather, going to the park, swimming, etc. All the wonderful things that come with the warm weather. But for me, I'm looking forward to a day when I'm not thinking about cancer every minute of the day. I'm looking forward to a day when I don't cry at least 10 times. I'm looking forward to living again.

But in the meantime, I'll continue to rely on the support of my family, my friends, my sweet husband, and my loving son. The sun will continue to come up each day, and my life will go on.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Mimi